Forgotten Cinema: Goosed

In our new series titled “Forgotten Cinema” we look at films that have been all but forgotten by the masses. Whether they’re simply terrible films, or hidden gems we feel it is our duty to bring these movies back to your attention. Today we look at 1999’s romantic comedy Goosed.

In the film Jennifer Tilly plays a woman named Charlene who’s told by her psychic that the man of her dreams is a doctor named Steve. She then proceeds to go the extra mile to make this a reality. The film was written by Charbie Dahl, who wrote for early ‘90s shows like Family Matters and Hangin’ with Mr. Cooper. The film was directed by Aleta Chappelle who worked in the casting department for films such as The Cotton Club, Peggy Sue Got Married, and The Godfather: Part III. Also a fun fact, thee Francis Ford Coppola was actually an Executive Producer on this film. That’s right, the director of Apocalypse Now, The Conversation, and The Godfather trilogy contributed to this film. How bad could it be?

The film opens with a voice-over by Jennifer Tilly before we meet a younger version of her character, played by our favorite scream queen Danielle Harris. We first see her writing in a journal, she apparently cant stand her parents, her father Mel (played by Robert Klein) and her overbearing mother Blanche (played by Miss “Fashion Police” herself, Joan Rivers). After her grandparents die the family inherits a large fortune, moving from Coney Island to a swanky mansion in Manhattan. They promptly send Charlene to a summer camp where she wastes no time hooking up with one of the camp counselors, an clumsy fellow named Todd Dewitt (played by Daniel Joseph). We even get an awkward Danielle Harris sex scene where she is presumably losing her virginity. Her stuck up parents don’t approve and she eventually gets grounded, which doesn’t seem right. If a girl is old enough to be having promiscuous sex she’s too old to be getting grounded. Word to the Danielle Harris fan club.

Danielle Harris Goosed

Danielle Harris Sex Scene

We then cut to Charlene all grown up (now played by Jennifer Tilly), heading off to college to become the next great American writer. She immediately meets a guy named Ray (Nick Paonessa) and they decide to get engaged and her parents, of course, disapprove without even meeting the guy. The couple gets married and get divorced a few months later. Do they explain why? Not a chance. You’ll notice a lack of explaining is something that happens quite often during this film.

She then decides to concentrate on her writing career and lands an interview at a local magazine. Her interviewer is none other than Gilbert Gottfried. He convinces her that he’ll give her the job if she has sex with him…so she does. Yuck! If you’ve ever wanted to see a movie where Gilbert Gottfried and Jennifer Tilly hook-up, this is the movie for you…weirdo. He ends up not giving her the job and she moves out to Los Angeles to get her life together.

Once she get to L.A. she gets a tan, a boob job and goes to see a psychic with her sister Louise (played by Sara Ballantine, best known for doing the voice of Mary Jane Watson in the ‘90s Spider-Man animated series). The psychic tells Charlene that she will marry a doctor named Steve. She doesn’t elaborate, she isn’t told that the marriage will be a loving one, or even that the marriage will last longer than her previous one. But nonetheless Charlene goes to work making this a reality.

She meets the first Dr. Steve (played by Damon Wayans) at a hospital after her father collapsed at her sister’s wedding. Damon’s character hilariously rubs his stethoscope all over Jennifer Tilly’s breasts when her character asks him to examine her chest. Quite unprofessionally. Damon provides some of the few genuine laughs of the movie but sadly his screen-time is extremely limited.

Charlene meets her next Dr. Steve while she is on a date with Damon Wayans, they go to see a musical of Frankenstein and the lead actor’s name happens to be Steve so, after Damon’s character is called to work, she hooks up with this new Steve immediately. Things of course don’t work out. This begs the question, if she’s trying to meet her future husband why does she think that having sex with every guy she meets is such a good idea?

Damon Wayans Jennifer Tilly

Jennifer Tilly Cleavage Legs

She then hooks up with a bunch of other guys named Steven before she meets a new guy named, you guessed it, Steven. This Steven isn’t a doctor at all, in fact he’s a musician and his band is called Medicine Man (you get it?). They immediately start having sex and Charlene gets pregnant but ends up having a miscarriage. After offering Steve a blowjob (though she doesn’t swallow because she’s “allergic”) to get her pregnant again, she does indeed get pregnant with twins. Though, take a guess how the relationship between Charlene and her new Steve works out? Yup, he leaves her all alone with twins to raise by herself. Nice!

She then meets another Steven, this time played by Thomas Haden Church and, yes, it doesn’t work out either. It should go without saying at this point but one of the biggest problems with this movie is the fact that we constantly keep meeting new characters and before we even get to know who they are, they’re gone, never heard from again.

At the end of the film it’s revealed that Charlene has been talking to a psychiatrist the entire time (which is still no excuse for the lame voice-over thorough the film). He convinces her that she needs to no longer focus on meeting the right Steven and just get on with her life. The final scene Charlene throws a party and invites all of the Steven’s in her life over , expect for Damon Wayans‘ character, maybe he busy filming…something. Cut to end credits.

So that’s Goosed and boy is it horrible. The worst thing about reviewing a bad comedy is there are only so many times you can point something out as not being funny. As much comedic timing as Jennifer Tilly has this was just not the film to showcase it. The film is clunky, the characters are paper-thin and the ending is just beyond lame. Plus, there are just too many things that are never really explained. For instance, it’s often implied that everybody hates Charlene at various points of her life. As a kid nobody in her family seems to like her, but they never really explain why. There is also so many scenes that just seem to come out of nowhere. For instance, Charlene gets a job working on a horror film when one of the film’s editors gets unnecessarily upset with her, so he rushes to complain to the boss. The boss, a women named Jane (played by Colleen Camp, who we‘ll always remember best as the hot French Maid from Clue), out-of-the blue gets the angry employee to start making animal noises and then they have sex. We then never see or hear from either one of them ever again. Was the scene supposed to be funny? WTF!

Also, the marrying a doctor cliché is so incredibly lame to begin with, but this film really lays it on thick. It’s clearly established that Charlene is doing more than fine with her writing career. She even buys a huge house in L.A. all on her own. Yet, she is still on the hunt for a doctor…why? Does she just want to say that her husband is a doctor? Yeah, probably.

There are a few funny moments, such as a scene where a couple of kids harass Jennifer Tilly and her huge “titties.” Though, overall, unless you’re a huge Jennifer Tilly or Danielle Harris fan you should probably stay away from this film. Goosed is forgotten cinema and it’s better off that way.

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