Fred Olen Ray is kind of a big deal among B-movie fans. He’s been writing, directing and producing low-budget films ever since the ’70s, and what most of them lack in glitz they make up for with gusto.
More often than not, the title of a Fred Olen Ray film is a good indication of what you’re getting, as proven by other notable examples of his work including Evil Toons, The Brain Leeches, Bad Girls From Mars, Attack Of The 60 Foot Centerfolds and Dinosaur Island.
So too is the case with 1988’s Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers, the film we will be discussing today.
The movie opens with the disclaimer: “The CHAINSAWS used in this Motion Picture are REAL and DANGEROUS! They are handled here by seasoned PROFESSIONALS The makers of this Motion Picture advice strongly against anyone attempting to perform any of these stunts at home. Especially if you are naked and about to engage in strenuous SEX.”
This perfectly sets the tone for what’s to follow. And, as already stated, the title indeed says it all; boobs, chainsaws and plenty of blood is what’s in store for us. So if you’re not into those things then, well, you should probably just find some other movie to watch. Maybe Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked.
HCH follows private detective Jack Chandler (Jay Richardson) as he tries to track down a missing teenage girl named Samantha (Linnea Quigley). He gets more than he bargained for when he runs into a cult of Egyptian chainsaw-worshipping prostitutes led by “The Master” (Gunnar Hansen).
The movie opens at a bar where we meet two prostitutes – Mercedes (Michelle Bauer) and Lisa (Esther Elise). Mercedes picks up a guy and takes him back to his place; she strips completely nude dancing to terrible ’80s rock music. She instructs him to close his eyes. When he does, Mercedes pulls out a huge chainsaw and chops him into little pieces. Blood splatters all over her boobies. It’s great.
We then meet Jack, a private eye who doesn’t seem to be all that good at his job. Jack has been hired by the mother of young runaway Samantha to find her. He heads to the local police station where he doesn’t seem to be liked very much and steals some evidence from the ongoing “chainsaw” murders. This leads him to inadvertently get the phone number of Mercedes; he calls and sets up a meeting.
In the meantime, in one of the more memorable moments of the film we meet back up with Lisa. She has just been invited to an older gentleman’s house who wants to take nude pictures of her wielding a baseball bat. It’s for a “calendar”, all the church groups will love it. After stripping naked and swigging the bat around, Lisa cold cocks the guy, knocking him out. After she places him in the bathtub, she takes a chainsaw to him, chopping his body to bits. She also gets buckets of blood all over her boobies. It’s awesome.
We now see Jack, waiting at the bar for Mercedes. Jack then sees Samantha dancing topless at the joint (and it’s truly a sight to behold). But before he can do anything he is being drugged by Mercedes and taken back to the hooker’s lair. When Jack wakes up, he is greeted by all three hookers straddling him. “The Master” enters the room and tells Jack his plan and why the hookers are doing what they’re doing. Basically, they worship a chainsaw god (or something). Jack manages to escape (with a little help from Samantha). Naturally, Jack and Samantha have sex and then we get to the greatest part of the film.
The two head to the temple where the freaky cult are planning on making the ultimate sacrifice. Though, not before the “virgin dance of the double chainsaw” performed by Samantha, who then promptly takes the chainsaw to The Master. Mercedes grabs a chainsaw and the two engage in a little girl-on-girl buzz saw action. Samantha comes out triumphant and all is seemingly well. Except that The Master and Mercedes disappear. At the end of the movie we are promised a sequel, the screen reads: “COMING SOON! STUDENT CHAINSAW NURSES ‘BAD TO THE BONE‘!’” Though, no such sequel ever came about. Unfortunately.
So, after reading this, you’re probably getting the feeling that Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers has its tongue firmly wedged in its cheek, and you’d be right for thinking that.
This is not a serious horror film: it’s not scary in the slightest and its gore is deliberately comical. It also can’t really be considered a soft porn film (as it has been considered by some), because there are no real sex scenes and while there’s plenty of nudity it almost feels incidental by the halfway stage.
What it is, then, is a daft film that knows exactly how daft it is, and relishes in it. It’s the sort of film where one of its killer hookers takes the time to put up a plastic sheet over her wall before killing her victim, so she doesn’t get blood over her massive Elvis poster. And it’s the sort of film where our hero ends with the line: “Samantha’s a nice kid so maybe I’ll let her stay around a while. Besides, she’s got a great set of tits.”
Ultimately, what you get this picture is a campy, sexy, very bloody parody about beautiful prostitutes who mutilate their naive customers. Wham, bam, thank you ma’am. The film wasn’t exactly a huge hit financially; and the sequel we were promised, never came to be. Though, the film is still very special to many horror fans. Many kids growing up in the ‘80s have a very special place in their heart for this little B-movie that could.
Because, really, what could be better than blood, boobs and chainsaws?! ALL HAIL THE CHAINSAW GODS!
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